Dear Joey

Dear Joey,

This article prompted me to write you a little note. It's titled "Clean Slate for Raptors Joey Graham". Here's an excerpt:

Few Raptors have been as confounding or perplexing as Joey Graham, he of the athletic gifts many NBA players would die for. He of an inconsistent nature that drives coaches and teammates to near apoplexy.

But this is a new season, a year of new chances and Graham once again finds himself in position to win a significant Raptors role.

Forgive me Joey, but I read a headline like that and I think "Oh fuck. There goes the season. Leaning on Joey Graham in any capacity basically means that the 3 spot is fucked in Toronto, which means that there's going to be a cavalcade of shit at the SF position." Why would I think that? Well, this is Raptors Truth, and I'm about to speak some truth about why you're so shitty. So here we go:

Where the fuck to start? Let's start superficial ... how about your first name? Joey? Why Joey? It's making me angry to even type out this name. I'll be honest. I fucking hate the name Joey and because of that, I think I hate you. The name Joey should be used exclusively for teen heartthrobs or kangaroos? Which fucking one are you?

The next thing I hate about you is your utter lack of productivity and your apparent disdain for reaching your potential. Man, when you were drafted by Rob Babcock, I thought, well here's a guy that's going to get 5 dunks a game, and play some real hard ass D. Instead Joey, I haven't seen you dunk in like 2 years, and you play like you have a D up your ass. For real. Look at your numbers. Here they are:

Career Season Averages

Year		G	GS	MPG	FG%					RPG	APG	SPG	BPG	TO	PF	PPG
05-06		80	24	19.8	0.478					3.1	0.8	0.5	0.2	1.15	2.90	6.7
06-07		79	21	16.7	0.495					3.1	0.6	0.4	0.1	0.62	2.00	6.4
07-08		38	3	8.7	0.434					1.8	0.4	0.1	0.0	0.61	1.20	3.6
Career		197	48	16.4	0.480					2.8	0.6	0.4	0.0	0.83	2.20	6.0

Look at those numbers dude. I dare anyone to find one fucking encouraging thing about those numbers. I consider 5.5 ppg to be the basketball equivalent of the Mendoza Line, and dude, you're fucking dangerously close to that benchmark of shittiness. You can't even average an assist per game, which is embarassing. 3 rebounds per game is also fucked. I mean, the Superfan finds a way to get his fucking hands on the ball at least 5 times per game, and that guy has all that gold weighing down his arms. What's your excuse? And I'm not even going to bother posting your playoff numbers, because when I started to copy and paste them I fucking puked a bit in my mouth.

Next. You're a twin. I hate it. It's creepy. And the thing is, your brother "Stevie" (fuck, can we quit it already with the juvenile shortening of your names?) is eerily just as shitty as you are. And you guys aren't even the cool kind of fucking twins. You know, where you're different. No. You guys are the shitty kind of creepy twins that dress the same and do the same shit. Like I can understand that you went to the same highschool, but the same college? And then you transferred to the same college after 2 years? And got the same degrees (in Aviation Management = stewardess?). Fuck guys, cut the fucking cord already. It's creepy, and I don't like it. Can't you be more like DeVito and Schwarzenegger? Instead you're like the Olsen twins. Only shittier at basketball.

Ok. I know I'm piling on a bit here. But it's only out of love. I mean, I had really high hopes for you man. But then shitty baseline drive, followed by shitty turnover, followed by terribly awkward jump shot, over and over again, have really broken my will to accept you as a member of the team. So that's that. If I was pulling the strings, you'd have already been gone. I would have basically said, take your aviation management degree and fly your ass the fuck out of town. But perhaps BC sees something that I don't (or maybe he just can't unload your ass on anyone and he needs a warm body on the bench?) Regardless though, I hope you prove me wrong, and have a breakout year. If that's the case, then I will step up like a man and I admit that I was wrong. (But I seriously doubt that you're all of a sudden going to find your mojo).

So best of luck Joey. And tell Stevie I said fuck off too.


And as will be my regular practice when reviewing players, I give you one weird Chuck Swirsky toupee head out of five (Note: If i could have cut Swirsky's head in half, you would have gotten a half.)

(Edit: Saturday, October 18, 11:05p.m.)

Here's a link to a (basically recycled) article by Michael Grange about your "potential" and how this might be the year that you reach it. For the sake of the team, and mostly my own fucking sanity, I hope that you fucking hurry up and reach your potential. Honestly, I'm getting sick and fucking tired of reading articles about it man. Remember this one from June 22, 2007? You know, right after you shit the bed in the playoffs? So let's go Joe. Get your shit together, hit some jumpers, play some D and reach your potential kid. Because this has to be the last year that hacky Toronto sportwriters can possibly squeeze out another half-hearted article about how this might finally be your year. Fucking homers.