BREAKING NEWS -- Calderon Sidelined Indefinitely With Nut Rot

Toronto (RT) -- When Raptor point guard Jose Calderon pulled up limp late in the second quarter of Wednesday's 106-96 loss to the Sixers, doubling over as he clutched his leg, it initially appeared as if he had tweaked his hamstring. However, a report released today by Toronto's medical staff confirmed that Jose's injury is much more serious -- Nut Rot. 

According to the Journal of the American Medical Association, Nut Rot is the "deleterious effect of the sweat from your nut sack upon surrounding tissue and material."

Nut Rot is a common disease in Spain, occurring in about 1 in 2 males, although its causes remain largely unknown.

It is suspected that the emerging superstar Calderon contracted this case of Nut Rot when washing his balls in a Boston Burger King bathroom sink on the team's most recent road trip. Shady ball washings and shitting into a bucket are widely thought to be the two leading causes of the disease. 

Its known to scientists and degenerates alike that Nut Rot often causes your underwear to prematurely fail in the crotch area immediately beside where your nutsack resides. Nut Rot becomes visible as a tan or brown stain in the area where your crotch is on the inside of the underwear. In the next stages of the disease, the seam and the stretchy elastic gives way in the underwear and eventually the entire crotch area gives out and your nuts hang out from beneath your underwear in the area where the underwear material used to be. Nut Rot can also affect the skin of the crotch in cases where a person uses poor hygiene and/or lack of bathing or showering. 

"What happened was, my nuts basically burned through my underwear at some point in the first quarter, and then they just started flopping around", Calderon said today during a team shootaround. "Then after I made a hard cut to the basket, one of my nuts got twisted around and started swelling up bad" said Jose. He added "it's a scary thing man, I thought my fucking nut was going to explode." Calderon said that it was "easily 10 times worse than getting the tip of your cock caught in a zipper."

"I told him to keep his nuts out that sink man," said Jamario Moon, "there was all sorts of weird shit in there like used condoms and toenails." "I think there was also period blood in there man -- or ketchup, it was hard to tell" Moon recounted.

"Thank Allah it's not too serious," said Raptors backup point guard Roko Ukic, "I'm not really good enough to be a starter." Will Solomon, also recent Muslim covert, added "Me neither man."

Raptors coach Sam Mitchell declined to comment, although it's known around the league that he's been battling a case of Syphilis over the past three seasons. Mitchell, when speaking about his own case of crotch rot on the Off the Record with Michael Landsberg, last February said "It's bad shit man. You can't get rid of this shit. It's like luggage." That episode of Off the Record was notable as it was the first interesting broadcast in the history of the too-long-running show. 

Today, team medical officials remained optimistic about Calderon's chances for a quick return to the lineup, but it's hard to forget the 63 games that former Raptor Walt Williams missed when he contracted a similar case of Nut Rot. Williams' Nut Rot incident followed a now infamous night of debauchery at Philthy Mcnasty's in which he reportedly stripped naked and dragged his ass all around the dancefloor like a sick dog. Although Williams was eventually cleared of the criminal charges, his testicles were never the same.  

RT will keep you posted as more information becomes available.