Game #13: O'Neal Leg Reattachment Fails to Spark Raptors in Loss to Celtics

TORONTO (RT) -- As expected, Jermaine O'Neal's reattached leg fell off and the Boston Celtics kicked the shit out of the Toronto Raptors.

"Well that was predictable," Raptors coach Sam Mitchell said after his team's 118-103 loss to the defending NBA champion Celtics. "Good thing I bet against us in the spread at least"

O'Neal, who had his leg surgically reattached by a team of doctors at St. Michael's Hospital prior to the tip, had it ripped off by Celtics star Kevin Garnett in the 1st quarter and did not return.

"They should have reattached his brain at the same time they reattached his leg," said Toronto forward Chris Bosh. "He should never have been out there to begin with, the thing was all fucked and hanging off. We would have been better off just grilling it up and serving it to homeless people. It's like 6 feet long, could have fed that whole fucking crew that's always drinking on the northwest corner of Queen and Bathurst."

Toronto dropped to 6-7 on the season, while Boston improved to 13-2.

Surgeons successfully re-attach Jermaine O'neals leg

TORONTO (RT) -- A team of surgeons at St. Michael's Hospital successfully reattached Jermaine O'neal's leg on Saturday, a day after it fell off and he started Sunday's game against the Boston Celtics.

Game #12: Carter Pulls Biggest Dick Move Yet

TORONTO (RT) -- The man who tore the biggest hole in the Toronto Raptors' organizational ass came back for a little more Friday night.

Vince Carter, who is public enemy No. 1 in the hearts of legitimate Raptors fans, drilled a last-second 3-pointer to send the game to overtime and then dunked a back-door alley-oop in-bounds pass with time running out in the extra session as his New Jersey Nets beat Toronto 129-127.

To make matters worse for the Raptors (6-6), Jermaine O'Neal suffered a serious injury to his already fucked up left knee and left the game in the 4th quarter. Raptorstruth.com correspondents report the leg has actually detached and O'Neal's status for the rest of the season is doubtful.

Carter burst into the NBA as a rookie with the Raptors in the 1998-99 season. He was one of the most exciting players in the NBA during his tenure with Toronto, which came to an end during the 2004-05 season after he demanded a trade. Near the end of his time with Toronto he acted more and more like a little bitch, at one point declaring he would no longer dunk. His lack of hustle and motivation eventually drew the ire of Raptors fans.

"It was like watching your ex-girlfriend fuck another guy," Raptors coach Sam Mitchell said of Carter's heroics. "You're sitting there and she's just doing all the real nasty shit to some guy that she would never do to you. You think, why couldn't you have done that when we were going together, why is it now that you're with someone else do you just let the freaky shit flow."

Carter finished with 39 points, 12 of them in the final 44 seconds of the 4th quarter, and spoiled career nights from Raptors Chris Bosh and Andrea Bargnani, who had 42 and 29 points, respectively.

Carter relished Mitchell's comparison of him to a dirty ex-girlfriend.

"Oh yes, he's right, I'm a dirty little girl," he said while lifting his towel up like it was a skirt. "I'm getting to so turned on thinking about it. What colour wig would I wear? I think I would look extra fabulous in blonde. Oh and heels, yes please. Or maybe big boots. Is there a Le Chateau around here?"

Devin Harris added 30 points for the Nets (5-6), who trailed by as many as 18 points in the 3rd quarter.

BREAKING NEWS: It Happened, O'Neal's Leg Fucked Propper

TORONTO (RT) -- It happened. Jermaine O'Neal's leg finally fell off. Although many insiders predicted it would happen later, it took only 12 games for the Raptors' big man's leg to fall off. 

Suprisingly upbeat, O'Neal speaking to reporters after the game, said "Yeah. My leg is all fucked man. It fell off." 

As predicted by 46% of RaptorsTruth readers, O'Neal's leg detached in the mid way though the 4th quarter of Toronto's 129-127 loss at home against New Jersey.

"It doesn't matter bitches," O'Neal said flippantly, "I'm still the highest paid motherfucker in this bitch-ass city."

Doctors attended to the scene and immediately placed O'Neal's leg on ice, in hopes that it could be re-attached. Early reports suggest that the Raptors' medical staff has arranged to fly in the same doctors that re-attached John Wayne Bobbit's cock. 

John Wayne Bobbit, when contacted by RaptorsTruth staff, said that there was nothing to worry about, and that after his own re-attachment that his "cock works fucking perfect," and that he was "still able drop to full loads."

An MRI will be scheduled tomorrow, but O'Neal reminded observers that, "with this nation's reliance on socialized medicine, it could be 16-18 months before I even see a doctor." O'Neal, a McCain supporter, who is still demanding a re-count in the recent US Presidential election, said "my career is probably over."

According to RaptorsTruth data, O'Neal is the highest paid player in the history of Toronto sports, and officially, the biggest disappointment.

The loss of O'Neal really fucked up the Raptors, as they pissed away another second half lead. The collapse was topped-off by a Vince Carter hail-mary 3-pointer to tie the game at 111-111 at the end of regulation.

The smell of the fresh blood from O'Neal's detached leg clearly fueled a deranged Andrea "Berzerker" Bargnani who had a career-high 29 points. "I love that shit man," Bargnani said "the smell of blood really gives me a boner."

In the end, O'Neal's leg detachment weighed heavily on the weary Raptors as they folded like a cheap suit in overtime. "I saw all that blood and I started screaming like a bitch," said Jamario Moon." 

"I haven't seen that much blood since my nut almost exploded the other day" said a clearly rattled Jose Calderon.

Just when all looked like all was lost, Anthony Parker hit a big 3-pointer to tie the game at 127-127 at the end of overtime. "I said the Lord's prayer right before I shot it," Parker said, as he took communion after the shot.

However, the Raptors hit a new franchise low, when on the insuing play, Vince Carter got open for a back-door alley-oop, from out-of-bounds, to win the game 129-127. Carter dedicated his performance to his new boyfriend that he met today in his gay romp through the city. "He could suck a golf-ball through a garden hose. I love you baby," Carter said with pride as he blew a kiss to television cameras as he left the ACC.

RaptorsTruth staff will keep you updated on the latest Jermaine O'Neal injury news as it becomes available.  

 

Breaking News: Would-be Shooter Moved Courtside

TORONTO (RT) -- A gun was found on a man entering the Air Canada Centre for the Raptors-Nets game.

The man explained to police that he intended to shoot former Raptors star Vince Carter, who is now a member of the New Jersey Nets. Instead of arresting the man, police escorted him to courtside seats where he would "have a better, clearer shot."

"If he doesn't actually shoot Carter, then we might have to arrest him," said Toronto police Constable Dale Harvey. "But for now, we'll monitor the situation closely, make sure his view of Carter is as unobstructed as possible."

SPOTTED: Wince Carter Feasting on Sausage

TORONTO (RT) -- Wince Carter, the most hated athlete in Toronto sports history, was spotted this afternoon having a pre-game meal in the city's Church Street area.
The Princess, who is in Toronto tonight for his New Jersey Nets' game against the Raptors, was spotted by a Raptorstruth.com reader at Boi Bar and Grille.
"He ordered like 10 sausages without the bun," the source said. "He didn't eat them, he just kind of picked them up and shook them. Then he said something about loving the meat in this part of town, and how much he missed siting down in front of 10 sausages at a time. I dunno if he was talking about dick or not, but it sure sounded like it."

Game 11: Raps beat the heat, escape dirty Florida with a win

Miami FL (RT) -- The Toronto Raptors salvaged their roadtrip to "The Dirtiest State" by beating Miami 101-95. Coach Sam Mitchell promised free lap dances to the game's top scorer if the Raptors won the game, and Andrea "Berzerker" Bargnani stepped it up with 25 points to win the prize. "I've heard lots of good things about the Cuban strippers here in Miami" said Bargnani after the game. "I was told that they'll do like anything, and I mean anything you want. I played my fucking ass off so I deserve this".

The Raptors stayed in Miami wednesday night and flew back to Toronto thursday, giving the players a much needed night out in the world's dirtiest strip bars in the 'little Havana' section of Miami. The entire team participated except for Anthony Parker who is a devout christian. "I went back to my hotel room and prayed for them all" he said on thursday upon returning to Toronto.

Nathan Jawai did not return with the team, and it was reported that he didn't return to his hotel room on Wednesday night. "Don't worry about him" said Jason Kapono when asked about Jawai. "It was his first time in little Havana, everyone gets a little fucked up their first time there. And he's Australian, so he's never seen shit like that. He'll turn up in some flophouse sometime next week".

SPECIAL REPORT: Solomon Looking For More Creative Ways To Turn The Ball Over

Miami (RT) -- On the heels of his impressive 7 turnover effort in the Raptors’ 103-90 loss to the Orlando Magic, Toronto point guard Will Solomon indicated today that he was working on more creative ways to turn the ball over.

“7 was good, but I think I can do better,” Solomon said, seemingly throwing down the gauntlet during the team’s shootaround in Miami this afternoon.

Speaking to reporters today, Solomon was unrepentant about accounting for almost one-third of the team’s 24 turnovers on the night. “You see, most guys in the league turn the ball over by dribbling the ball off their foot and shit like that, but I’m all about trying new shit, like pulling out a knife and stabbing the ball,” Solomon said. Looking directly into the camera, and obviously pilled-up, Solomon warned, as he made a throat-slashing gesture, “I might get out a pump and blow that shit up tonight! OBAMA!!! BOOM!!!”

Among the other ideas Solomon floated were: giving the ball AIDS; feeding the ball to the homeless; turning it into counterfeit money; deflating the ball and using it as a blunt wrap; wiping his ass with it; throwing it at Matt Devlin’s family courtside; trying to make a gun out of it; selling it; trading it for tittie-grabs from the Raptors’ Dance-pack; taking it to Queen’s Park and getting gay-married to it; and covering his eyes, like the Dee Brown no-look dunk, and then dribbling the ball off his foot.

Promising shock and awe in tonight’s game in Miami, Solomon warned “Just watch me man. If you think those dudes in the dunk contest come up with some creative shit, watch tonight. I’m going to blow your fucking mind.” Solomon reminded Toronto fans that “the longer Jose (Calderon) is out, the more fucked up turnovers you’re going to see.” “I think I can get 10 tonight man,” Solomon predicted.

When asked about Solomon’s lofty turnover ambitions, Raptors’ coach Sam Mitchell said “Man, I think this Florida air is getting to Will. This is the land of the weird. You guys ever notice how all the crazy shit happens down here in Florida? You know, beheadings, kid-touchings, voodoo -- all kinds of fucked up, CSI-type shit.” “South-Florida especially man,” Mitchell added, “this place is evil.” “I mean look, we’re on COPS right now,” Mitchell said, as he was taken away by a representative of the Miami-Dade County Sherriff’s Department. No word on what Mitchell was charged with, but speculation is that has to do with rash of panty-sniffing incidents in the Miami area.

Stay tuned to the RT Live Feed tonight for updates.

Game #10: Raptors played Orlando and probably lost

TORONTO (RT) -- The Toronto Raptors likely lost tonight against the Orlando Magic. We don't know for sure because Raptorstruth.com boycotted the game out of respect to those who died on 'Bloody Sunday' during the violent protests against Rod Black and TSN2's blackout of the Raptors-Miami Heat game.

Also, all Raptorstruth.com press passes have been cancelled while CSIS investigates whether or not this organization provided material support to insurgents who clashed with police in front of the Air Canada Centre.

Raptorstruth.com admits to supporting the insurgents and pledges its continued support, God willing, to the Rod Black-TSN2 resistance.


A candlelight vigil was held in Regent Park -- no stranger to candlelight vigils -- for the 59 people who died during Sunday's bloodbath.

"They sacrificed their lives for their beliefs, for freedom," Kevin Clark, a homeless Toronto politician and career criminal, told roughly 25,000 people in attendance. "We cannot allow these lives to be lost in vain. We must not give up the fight until we can watch every single Raptors game from the comfort of our own homes, free of Rod Black."

Game #9: Raptors beat Heat; TSN2 Protest Kills 59

TORONTO (RT) -- Fifty-nine people were killed during a violent protest that erupted outside the Air Canada Centre on Sunday as thousands of insurgents gathered to show their displeasure with the TSN2 blackout of the Toronto Raptors-Miami Heat game.

Another 218 were injured, 26 of them critically, in the city's bloodiest day since almost 400 people were killed during the SARS outbreak of 2003. Toronto Mayor David Miller was among the 150 people listed missing as a result of the a full day of violence that stretched several city blocks and left the financial district in ruins.

Sunday's Raptors-Heat game was televised on TSN2, a new digital channel that refuses to allow Rogers Cable to carry its broadcasts. Rogers serves more than 2 million homes in Toronto, including the core of the Raptors' fan base.

TSN announced this week that it would not allow Rogers to broadcast TSN2 due to disparaging comments Rogers CEO and founder Ted Rogers made regarding TSN heartthrob and 15-time Figure Skating Broadcaster of the Year award winner Rod Black.

Sunday's game, watched by 17 people on TSN2 instead of the typical 110,000 to 140,000 Raptors broadcasts usually draw on other networks, was just the first the first of 25 games scheduled for the new network, which is available on Bell TV, Star Choice and Cogeco. If Rogers and TSN don't strike a deal, the violence on the streets of Toronto will escalate with each missed Raptors game.

Protesters burned cars, smashed windows, abused elderly people and sacrificed a virgin. Regardless of the mode of protest, most of the approximately 10,000 who gathered felt that Black, not TSN or Rogers, was to blame.

"You see all the people burning Rod Black effigies, wearing the fake mustaches and the sexy rub on tans," a terrorism analyst told Raptorstruth.com. "Rod Black has become the public enemy, the face of what they are standing up to, the focus of the resistance."

Raptorstruth.com boycotted the game, won 107-96 by Toronto. Raptorstruth.com staff, some of them former Guantanamo Bay detainees, burned their press passes and took part in the insurgency in front of the Air Canada Centre. Raptorstruth.com offices have been relocated to a secure bunker to ensure the free-flow of Raptors information during the crisis.

Raptorstruth.com readers who sat out the insurgency/protest found other ways to either watch the game or fill the void created by the blackout. Here's a selection of what they had to say:

"I went to my parents' house in Ajax, they have Cogeco. Sure enough, both my mother and father had already been into the liquor (I got there are 11:30 a.m.). Dad's shoving me because he thinks I want to fight him again and mom looks higher than I've ever seen her. By the time things calmed down and I was allowed back in the house (and out of the snow) it was halftime, but I didn't give a fuck about the game any more. I just wanted to get my jacket, steal some money and go back to Toronto. I'm never going back to my parents' house again."
-Tito, 31, Cabbagetown

"I went to church. It was fucking hilarious."

-Skyler, 24, the Annex

"My neighbour in Parkdale has Expressview on the outside of his basement apartment. I stood outside his window and watched the first quarter. During a commercial break my eyes wandered a bit to the next apartment over. It's a basement apartment too and I could see right into a bedroom and this girl and her boyfriend were taking turns pissing on each other. I squatted and watched that for about 10 minutes then went back to the game. I might go looking in those windows again even when there's not a game on TSN2."

-Horace, 44, Parkdale

"Me and my girlfriend took turns pissing on each other while some guy watched through the window. He didn't stick around for the part where we shit on each other though. Thank goodness. I get so embarrassed doing that part in front of strangers."
-Nick, 31, Parkdale

"I picked up dudes on cragislist."

-Klaus, 56, Downtown

"I kidnapped then butchered my boss' dog."

-Paul, 33, Etobicoke

"I butchered guys I kidnapped from craigslist."
-Chuck, 47, Mississauga

"I went to the AGO, it's free this weekend as part of the grand re-opening after the renovations. Me and my buddy smoked a joint in the 6-kilometre line wrapped around the outside and down past the Gardiner. Some old broad started yapping at us because we were blowing smoke on her kids, other than that the five-hour wait to get in was worth it. It was nice to get out of the house and smoke a joint today, instead of just sitting inside the house and smoking a joint."

-Jimmy, 21, Downtown

"I went to the santa clause parade to pick up chicks, fucking goldmine buddy"

-Billy, 61, Rosedale

"Me and my landlord built a glory hole. It should be up and running tonight."

-Sarah, 18, Downtown

"With no Raps on TV today I put everything I had on the Giants-Ravens game. My buddy told me it was on TV so I thought I would have a few drinks and make my afternoon interesting. The game wasn't on though, it was the Jets-Patriots game. My buddy always fucks shit like that up. He also told me to take Baltimore in the spread and you can probably pretty much see where this is going. I fucking lost and my Intertops account was toast. I'll have to set up a new account with that credit card I stole from work."
-Peter, 33, Port Credit

"I sat on the subway and just rode it from Downsview to Finch over and over."
-Kim, 27, North York

"I put a bunch of used needles on the playground equipment at the school next to my house. That should raise a few pulses in the neighbourhood."
-Rodney, 28, Downtown

BREAKING NEWS -- Calderon Sidelined Indefinitely With Nut Rot

Toronto (RT) -- When Raptor point guard Jose Calderon pulled up limp late in the second quarter of Wednesday's 106-96 loss to the Sixers, doubling over as he clutched his leg, it initially appeared as if he had tweaked his hamstring. However, a report released today by Toronto's medical staff confirmed that Jose's injury is much more serious -- Nut Rot. 

According to the Journal of the American Medical Association, Nut Rot is the "deleterious effect of the sweat from your nut sack upon surrounding tissue and material."

Nut Rot is a common disease in Spain, occurring in about 1 in 2 males, although its causes remain largely unknown.

It is suspected that the emerging superstar Calderon contracted this case of Nut Rot when washing his balls in a Boston Burger King bathroom sink on the team's most recent road trip. Shady ball washings and shitting into a bucket are widely thought to be the two leading causes of the disease. 

Its known to scientists and degenerates alike that Nut Rot often causes your underwear to prematurely fail in the crotch area immediately beside where your nutsack resides. Nut Rot becomes visible as a tan or brown stain in the area where your crotch is on the inside of the underwear. In the next stages of the disease, the seam and the stretchy elastic gives way in the underwear and eventually the entire crotch area gives out and your nuts hang out from beneath your underwear in the area where the underwear material used to be. Nut Rot can also affect the skin of the crotch in cases where a person uses poor hygiene and/or lack of bathing or showering. 

"What happened was, my nuts basically burned through my underwear at some point in the first quarter, and then they just started flopping around", Calderon said today during a team shootaround. "Then after I made a hard cut to the basket, one of my nuts got twisted around and started swelling up bad" said Jose. He added "it's a scary thing man, I thought my fucking nut was going to explode." Calderon said that it was "easily 10 times worse than getting the tip of your cock caught in a zipper."

"I told him to keep his nuts out that sink man," said Jamario Moon, "there was all sorts of weird shit in there like used condoms and toenails." "I think there was also period blood in there man -- or ketchup, it was hard to tell" Moon recounted.

"Thank Allah it's not too serious," said Raptors backup point guard Roko Ukic, "I'm not really good enough to be a starter." Will Solomon, also recent Muslim covert, added "Me neither man."

Raptors coach Sam Mitchell declined to comment, although it's known around the league that he's been battling a case of Syphilis over the past three seasons. Mitchell, when speaking about his own case of crotch rot on the Off the Record with Michael Landsberg, last February said "It's bad shit man. You can't get rid of this shit. It's like luggage." That episode of Off the Record was notable as it was the first interesting broadcast in the history of the too-long-running show. 

Today, team medical officials remained optimistic about Calderon's chances for a quick return to the lineup, but it's hard to forget the 63 games that former Raptor Walt Williams missed when he contracted a similar case of Nut Rot. Williams' Nut Rot incident followed a now infamous night of debauchery at Philthy Mcnasty's in which he reportedly stripped naked and dragged his ass all around the dancefloor like a sick dog. Although Williams was eventually cleared of the criminal charges, his testicles were never the same.  

RT will keep you posted as more information becomes available.

Game #8: Riccardi-Colangelo Affair Distracts Raptors

TORONTO (RT) -- J.P. Ricciardi's public courtship of Brian Colangelo is taking its toll on the Toronto Raptors.

With Ricciardi sitting courtside a visibly distracted Raptors squad was listless as they bumbled their way to a 106-96 loss to the Philadelphia 76ers.

Ricciardi, the general manager of the Toronto Blue Jays, has been linked romantically to Colangelo, who is the Raptors' GM. Ricciardi sat in the Air Canada Centre's coveted courtside seats sipping Smirnoff Ice and glancing longingly towards the southwest players' entrance where Colangelo watches the majority of games.

Colangelo could be seen blowing kisses to his new beau during timeouts, and Riccardi pretended to catch them and press them against his heart. Ricciardi has been quite the madame about town lately, having recently dated Toronto Maple Leafs GM Cliff Fletcher. Their relationship fizzled last month because Ricciardi grew tired of Fletcher's "old balls and boner pills."

With all eyes on the unfolding Colangelo-Ricciardi drama, the Raptors were outplayed at both ends of the court and never found their stride.

After starting the season 3-0, the Raptors have lost 4 of their last 5 games to drop to .500. While some Raptors downplayed the impact of "Colangicciardi" on their string of losses, others made their opinions clear.

"We keep losing," said Toronto's Anthony Parker, a devout Christian. "I think this is God's way of telling us he doesn't approve of our general manager's lifestyle."

To make matters worse for Toronto, stand-out point guard Jose Calderon left the game with an undisclosed leg injury which is potentially disastrous for the Raptors, who lack a legitimate back up at the position.

There's even fears that Ricciardi's mediocrity as the Blue Jays' GM has rubbed off on Colangelo and is tainting the Raptors.

"We played like shit and one of our best players got hurt," said Raptors coach Sam Mitchell. "Does that sound familiar to anyone? I mean, stop me if you've heard this one before -- we played like shit one of our best players was injured. B.J. Ryan, Vernon Wells, Jeremy Accardo, Aaron Hill, Shaun Marcum, Dustin McGowan -- all on the disabled list last season.

"If this keeps up then [Chris] Bosh and [Andrea] Bargnani should be dead by the end of the week and me and Leo Rautins will be in the starting line-up by Christmas. The Curse of the Swirsk aint got nothing on this, man."
Andre Iguodala swung a big dick for the 76ers (3-5) with 18 points, 10 assists and 9 rebounds, while Elton Brand had 25 points.
Bosh, as usual, was the Raptors' key offensive threat, scoring 30 points and grabbing 12 rebounds. Jermaine O'Neal had 19 points and 11 rebounds.
Toronto's next game is Sunday against the Miami Heat (4-4). It will be the first of 25 Raptors game broadcast on TSN2 which is still not available in Toronto. Game details, however, will be available via the Raptorstruth.com live blog.
"Fuck TSN2," said one Raptors fan as he left the Air Canada Centre. "Who needs TSN2 when you've got the Raptorstruth.com live game blog. Those guys are funny. I bet they're good looking too. They probably have huge cocks to boot."

Game #7: Bosh Celebrates Obama Victory, Takes Night Off

BOSTON (RT) -- On a day when U.S. President-elect Barack Obama (D-Ill) was greeted at the White House by outgoing President George W. Bush, Toronto Raptors star Chris Bosh decided to mark the occasion by taking the night off.

The result was a predictable 94-87 loss to the Boston Celtics, who took advantage of the absence of Toronto's best player.

"I just got up today and I thought fuck it, I'm taking the day off," Bosh told reporters after the game. "I mean, now that there's a brother in the White House I can do shit like this every once in a while."

Bosh, who smelled of malt liquor and weed, had 0 points and 0 rebounds on 0-for-0 shooting from the field in 0 minutes of play.

Jermaine O'Neal had 23 points and 11 rebounds for Toronto (4-3) despite persistent fears that his leg isn't fully attached to his body.

O'Neal, an adamant John McCain (R-Az.) supporter, criticized Bosh's "laziness" following the loss. He also told reporters that despite his 5 assists tonight don't expect him to pass the ball any more this season because he doesn't support "socialist policies." When asked about his costly turnover in the 4th quarter, which sealed the Raptors' fate, O'Neal accused a reporter of "palling around with terrorists" and called a Raptors TV cameraman a "fat cunt."

Sam Mitchell's strategy to leave Boston all-star Paul Pierce unguarded backfired as the defending NBA-champion Celtics (7-1) outscored Toronto by 19 in the 2nd half, including 35-22 in the decisive 4th quarter.

"I thought, if we don't pay attention to him, then maybe he'll just take the piss," said Mitchell, who was fucking around with his iPhone for most of the second half.

"I can't even turn this fucking thing on," Mitchell added when questioned about rumours he sent an obscene text message during the game to Norma Wick about sniffing her panties.

When asked about Bosh's "Obama Day" and the possibility of future Obama-related absences by other players, Mitchell told reporters to "call Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton or some shit," and informed the media that "from now on everyone on the team can have an "Obama day" except for Humphries and Parker."

Kris Humphries and Anthony Parker are currently awaiting the results of DNA tests to determine their eligibility for Obama-related days of rest.

The game was played in front of 18,624 at TD Banknorth Garden in Boston and only 11 fans got to watch on televsion in Toronto as it was broadcast on Raptors TV.

The Raptors ended their 3-game road trip at 1-2 and host Philadelphia on Wednesday in a 7 p.m. tip-off on the Score.

Game 6: Toronto 89 Charlotte 79

CHARLOTTE, N.C. (RT) -- Thanks to Chris Bosh the Toronto Raptors avoided embarrassment Sunday afternoon, defeating the Charlotte "Pepe Le Pew" Bobcats in front of roughly two dozen fans at Time Warner Cable Arena.
Bosh scored 30 points -- 14 of them in the 4th quarter when he was on the court by himself -- and had 15 rebounds as Toronto beat the Bobcats 89-79.
The Bobcats, who have not won more than 34 games in a season since re-entering the NBA in 2004, led for most of the game until a 4th quarter shit-kicking by Bosh put them in their proper place as dirty fucking losers.
In an unprecedented move, Raptors coach Sam Mitchell pulled the rest of the team off the floor in the 4th quarter and let Bosh handle the Bobcats by himself.
"The rest of those cock-sucking fuckers didn't want to play today, so what else was I supposed to do?" Mitchell said after the game. "I considered putting Humphries, Graham and Ukic on the floor, but lets face it they would have just got in Bosh's way".
The lead changed hands six times in the first five minutes of the fourth quarter, with Richardson giving Charlotte (2-4) its last lead at 74-72 on a 3-pointer with 7:58 left. Bosh tied the game 30 seconds later with a layup, and Charlotte was never able to regain the lead.
Bosh held the Bobcats to 12 points in the fourth.
"Through the first three quarters it looked like we might send all 23 of these fans home happy," said Charlotte head coach Larry Brown. "We controlled the tempo and got good shots early in the third quarter. Then they put Bosh out there by himself in the fourth and we had no answer."
Andrea Bargnani (Berzerker) had 18 points off the bench for Toronto (4-2), while Jose Calderon had 13 points and 7 assists.
Toronto ends its three-game road trip Monday night in Boston against the defending NBA champion Celtics.

Game #5: Atlanta 110 Toronto 92

ATLANTA (RT) -- With the tenderness of a horned up Paul Bernardo with a mouth full of viagra the Atlanta Hawks pounded the Toronto Raptors' assholes.

Of course, the Hawks didn't use protection, and the only thing resembling lube were the tears running down the face of an agonized Toronto head coach Sam Mitchell. In the end, the Hawks handed the Raptors a 110-92 beating that reduced a quivering Raptors squad to barely more than a reddish puddle of slop at centre court.

"Ow, ow, ow, ouch, help, help," said Raptors forward Chris Bosh. "Fuck, fuck, fuck. My ass. I'm dying."

Mike Bibby led the gang-fuck for Atlanta (4-0) with 19 points and 12 rebounds, and Joe Johnson had 17 points, 7 rebounds and 6 assists.

Both Bibby and Johnson were arrested after the game and charged with sodomy, which is still illegal in Georgia. They were both denied bail following contentious show-cause hearings due to the strength of the prosecution's case -- the incident occurred in front of an arena full of spectators and was broadcast on cable television in both the United States and Canada -- and the absence of a suitable release plan.

The duo are being represented by Ed Genson, who successfully defended rap star R. Kelly against similar charges earlier this year in which video evidence was the lynchpin of the prosecution's case. Bibby and Johnson are listed as doubtful for the Hawks' match-up with Oklahoma on Sunday.

Before Bosh left the game with a ruptured ass he managed to score 26 points. Jermaine O'Neal rebounded offensively from a piss-poor performance against Detroit earlier in the week to score 17 points.

After opening the season 3-0 for just the second time in franchise history, Toronto (3-2) dropped its second game in a row. Anthony Parker, who is the most religious Raptor, was particularly offended by the incident.

"That's not right," he said. "Only a priest can put his birdie in there."

Toronto continues its three-game road trip in Charlotte against the Bobcats on Sunday then visits the defending NBA-champion Boston Celtics on Monday.

Game #4: Detroit 100 Toronto 93

TORONTO (RT) -- Forget about the wonky knee, Jermaine O'Neal has brain damage.

Ill-advised shots down the stretch, phantom D and a technical foul from Toronto's prized off-season acquisition contributed to the Raptors' 100-93 loss to the Detroit Pistons.

"Obviously the swelling in his brain clouded his judgment, made him look like Trig Palin out there at times," said frustrated Raptors head coach Sam Mitchell. "He's not doing well in the thinking department, just like Trig Palin. If this keeps up, I'm going to start calling him Trig Palin." 

Tayshaun Prince led Detroit (4-0) with 29 points, while Richard Hamilton had 22 and went 6-for-6 from the free-throw line in the final minute.

Chris Bosh, the Eastern Conference's player of the week, had another stellar game for Toronto (3-1) with 26 points and 13 rebounds. Jose Calderon added 24 points and 8 assists for the Raptors.

Toronto acquired O'Neal, who has shit for brains, in the off-season from Indiana in exchange for disgruntled point guard T.J. Ford. The biggest question mark surrounding the 30-year-old O'Neal was whether or not his oft-injured left knee, which has limited his playing time the last 4 seasons, would explode. Now, the fear is that the 6-time NBA all-star is just plain fucking retarded.

O'Neal went 3-for-10 from the field and finished with 8 points and 3 rebounds. He saved his biggest misses for the fourth quarter, bricking several hopeless turnaround jumpers and effectively stalling every Raptors fourth-quarter push. He committed a game-high 3 turnovers, early foul trouble rendered him ineffective at the defensive end and he was issued a technical foul in the second quarter after ripping off his headband following a no-call.

In Toronto's three previous wins this season, O'Neal saw limited minutes down the stretch.

"If Trig Palin, I mean Jermaine, doesn't stop doing stupid shit then he's gonna be spending a lot more time at the end of the bench with Humphries, Jawai and the rest of the fuck-ups," Mitchell said. "When you're having a hard enough time making lay-ups, you probably shouldn't take 3 turnaround jumpers in a row in the 4th quarter with Rasheed Wallace on your back. What an asshole."

The Raptors failed to take advantage of a shorthanded Pistons team that was without recently acquired Allen Iverson. Detroit traded Chauncey Billups and Antonio McDyess to Denver on Monday for Iverson, a 4-time NBA scoring champion. The trade is on hold as Billups failed his medical examination after his piss tested positive for crank, forcing Iverson to sit out against Toronto.

"Half the league smokes meth, so I'm not sure what the big deal is," Iverson said. "I'm on angel dust right now. If Billups knew the fucking score he would just bring a tin of apple juice into the piss test. It looks like urine, and if you leave it sitting out in the sun for a few hours it starts to smell like it too. I don't know who is dumber -- Jermaine O'Neal, Chauncey Billups or Trig Palin."

Game #3: Raptors Beat Bucks, Remain perfect

MILWAUKEE (RT) -- Jose Calderon scored a career-high 25 points as the Toronto Raptors defeated the Milwaukee Bucks 91-87 on Saturday night to improve their record to 3-0. If history is any indication, their season is all but fucked.

The only other time the Raptors opened the season 3-0 was the 2004-05 campaign. Let's take a look at some of the highlights of that shitastrous season:

- After opening the season 3-0, the Raptors finished up 33-49, missed the playoffs and tied the New York Knicks for last place in the Atlantic Division;

- Rafael Araujo - drafted 8th overall in the 2004 entry draft by dumb fuck GM Rob Babcock - played like a piece of shit and sported some of the worst tattoos and haircuts in NBA history;

- Wince Carter demanded a trade and Babcock shit himself. He traded the perennial all-star to the New Jersey Nets for a bunch of guys named Williams and Alonzo Mourning. Mourning never showed up, and for some fucking reason Babcock didn't suspend the cock sucker. Instead, he bought out Mourning's contract for $10 million;

- Milt Palacio was the back-up point guard;

- Rafer Alston was yapping about Sam Mitchell like a little shit, and eventually he was suspended two games at the end of the season for "conduct detrimental to the team" (a.k.a being a twat);

So, the moral of the story is that before all you numbnuts out there get too excited about the Raptors' 3-0 start, just remember they've been there once before. And the whole fucking thing imploded.

Granted, this team bears no resemblance to the 2004-05 team, so this is merely fear-mongering . But it was nice to take a trip down memory lane, wasn't it.

I remember that 2004-05 season, I would spend most of the time rolling around on the ground in front of my TV holding my nuts and howling in pain. Those dark days are behind us, and now when I watch the games I hold my nuts and giggle with glee.

RT NEWS ALERT: Black files court order against Devlin

TORONTO (RT) -- Rod Black, TSN and CTV jack-of-all trades broadcaster extraordinaire, has filed a court order against Matt Devlin that seeks to force the new Toronto Raptors TV commentator from sounding so much like him.

In court documents obtained by Raptorstruth.com late Saturday night, the handsome Black (pictured left) filed a motion with the Ontario Superior Court of Justice in Toronto last week asking Devlin to use his vocal chords in a way that prevents him from sounding like the 15-time Figure Skating Broadcaster of the Year.

Materials filed by Black's lawyers ask that Devlin, in only his third game as a Raptors commentator, "fuck off." They further state: "Is nothing sacred? Next thing you know he will grow a mustache and wear sexy suits."

The move was not a surprise considering how much Devlin, is his first season with the Raptors after splitting the last six years in Charlotte and Memphis, actually does sound like the Honourable Mr. Black.

The fear from Black's camp is that Devlin could win over the hearts of females in the 55-75 age bracket, which is Black's No. 1 demographic.

"Obviously Black sees him [Devlin] as a threat," a broadcasting executive told Raptorstruth.com. "Rod wants the grannies wetting their panties for him, not some copy cat."

Devlin, who was working Saturday night's game in Milwaukee against the Bucs, could not be reached for comment.