The shit streak is over, Raps win on T.J's Return to Toronto

TORONTO (RT) -- The Toronto Raptors defeated the Indiana Pacers 101-88 on wednesday night, and game which saw T.J Ford, Rasha Nesterovich and Jermaine O'Neal play their former team.

All three players had lackluster games. "It's pretty apparent why we were traded" all three agreed after the game.

TOO SHIT FOR TV: Raps Horrorshow Gassed by CRTC

GATINEAU, Que. (RT) -- While the Raptors took on the Cavaliers in Cleveland, viewers across Canada had their TV coverage of the game temporarily interrupted after a secret CRTC tribunal temporarily shut the broadcast down.

Canadian television regulators halted TSN's coverage of Tuesday's game between the Raptors and Cavaliers midway through the first quarter. The CRTC had ruled shortly after the tip-off, with Toronto trailing by 15 only seven minutes into the game, that the Raptors' abysmal play of late has deteriorated to the point of being too offensive to show on TV.

The shut down, however, only lasted until the second quarter after the Raptors obtained a stay of the CRTC's order pending judicial review to the Federal Court of Appeal.

The Raptors (8-11) have lost four games in a row and their horrendous play of late led to the firing of head coach Sam Mitchell as well as calls from disgruntled fans for under-achieving former star Chris Bosh to be shipped out of town.

"The Raptors have reached a point where the skill of the team, the quality of their decisions and the outcome of their matches truly shocks the Canadian conscience," CRTC chair Konrad W. von Finckenstein wrote in a 4-page decision released following a secret CRTC tribunal at the organization's Gatineau, Que., compound . "Turnovers, scandalous defence and a sheer lack of effort -- any reasonable person would be offended by such disgraceful conduct."

Raptors lawyers were barred from attending the tribunal and denied access to the evidence admitted against the Raptors during the hearing.

"There's no doubt our standard of play has regressed recently," Raptors GM Brian Colangelo said in a statement released by the team. "I don't agree with the CRTC's decision, however, and we intend to vigorously defend our right to play as poorly as possible and allow our fans to feel the life being sucked out of whatever hope they had for an exciting season."

CRTC Boss von Finchenstein rendering decision

Colangelo also noted that you can watch two guys suck the shit out of each other's asses on Friday nights around 11 p.m. on Showcase, so it didn't make sense to him to hold sports broadcasts to "higher standard" than traditional programming.

"Sucking ass, tonging ass, men dressing up as women, people that dress in leather and get whipped with chains, now that's offensive," a visibly aroused Colangelo told Raptorstruth.com during halftime of Tuesday's game. "There was this one time I saw a man in a diaper getting pissed on by this 400-pound woman. I mean come on, this is just basketball."

The CRTC typically takes months, even years, to investigate allegations of offensive programming, raising eyebrows at the blinding speed the usually lethargic telecommunications regulator moved at to shut down Raptors broadcasts.

"The message has been sent," a CRTC commissioner told Raptorstruth.com on the condition of anonymity. "The Raptors basically wiggled their dicks in front of the CRTC and said, 'here, go fuck yourself.' Well, you could say the CRTC bit them in the dick and said 'this shit is not fit for TV you jerk offs.'"

BREAKING NEWS: RAPTORS FIRE MITCHELL

TORONTO (RT) -- The Toronto Raptors fired head coach Sam Mitchell on Wednesday, a day after one the most lopsided losses in franchise history.
Assistant coach Jay Triano will take over for Mitchell on an interim basis, becoming the first Canadian-born head coach in NBA history.
Toronto has struggled to an 8-9 start to the season, including a 30-point loss on the road last night against Denver.
When informed of the club's decision to fire him, Mitchell held GM Brian Colangelo down by the collar and attempted to shit in his mouth. He missed, however, getting shit all over the side of Colangelo's face. Toronto Blue Jays GM J.P. Ricciardi, Colangelo's lover, was so turned on by the incident that he masturbated himself to the point of ejaculation.
^MORE TO FOLLOW@

Mitchell on Chopping Block as Raps lose to Nuggets

DENVER (RT) -- Is Sam Mitchell be the next to go?

Rumours are circulating that Mitchell's tenure as Toronto's coach is very much in doubt as the Raptors were pounded again Tuesday night, 132-93 to the Denver Nuggets.

Regime change is the flavour of the month right now, both nationally and internationally:

- Stephen Harper's Conservative government is on the verge of collapse;

- Barrack Obama replaces George W. Bush in the White House next month;

- The Nazis have regained control of Germany;

- Ted Rogers' suicide has left Rogers Communications without a CEO; and

- Toronto Mayor David Miller remains missing following last month's TSN2-Rod Black riot. 

"It begs the question, is Sam Mitchell's head the next to roll?" a team source told Raptorstruth.com on the condition on anonymity. "The Raptors have looked deader than Ted Rogers on this West Coast trip, it can only be a matter of time before Mitchell goes."

Mitchell was unfazed by the speculation and seemed to take rumours of his imminent demise in stride.

"I'll kill them if they fire me," Mitchell said. "I'll strangle bitches, I'll stab necks, I'll fuck corpses. I aint going nowhere without blood on my hands."

Game #16: Bend Her Like Kobe: Lakers beat Raps 112-99

LOS ANGELES (RT) -- It was uglier than Jason Kidd's oldest son.

Pau Gasol scored 24 points, while Kobe Bryant had 23 as the Toronto Raptors were embarrassed 112-99 by the Los Angeles Lakers.

 

Game #15: Toronto beats Atlanta 93-88, Dedicate Win to Ailing Ted Rogers

TORONTO (RT) -- With the ailing Ted Rogers weighing heavily on their hearts, the Toronto Raptors dug deep to beat the Atlanta Hawks 93-88.

"Ted's not dead yet," said Toronto coach Sam Mitchell. "Neither are our playoff hopes. If Ted continues to fight, then so will the Toronto Raptors."

Mitchell was referring to Rogers, the Canadian media mogul whose health recently took a turn for the worse.

"The heart of the Toronto Raptors is as strong as the heart of Ted Rogers," said Raptors GM Brian Colangelo. "

Game #14: Bosh Big as Toronto beats Charlotte 93-86

CHARLOTTE, N.C. (RT) -- Chris Bosh showed he's probably the only good fucking athlete in the City of Toronto, scoring 39 points in the Raptors' 93-86 win over the Charlotte Bobcats.